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Hardshell

by Candy For Trees

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1.
Hardshell 05:05
In another life I played Madison Square In another life, I was queen of my love’s heart In another life I was on another world That looked far better from way up here Call me the love of your life as you cast the first stone Bury your head in the sand and make me your villain I never was your woman No matter how hard you want me to be So when you tell them I was some enchantress Courtesan, assassin Clear the grains from off your eyes first Don’t look back when you burn that bridge It isn’t worth your time You light the way forward You just have to arrive You just have to arrive Here, the villain gets the hero’s welcome And casting off your hard shell wins you the prize He broke this body to get me here What do I do now that I survived?
2.
I dreamt I was a falcon outrunning the plague and woke up a month later to find that everything was still the same is this what stability feels like as dull as only home can be? I'm not drunk, I'm not high, I'm sad and still in love I last touched wine on Christmas Eve to flush what I'd hoped were the last traces of you from my body Took to sleeping like a holy rite I never knew your hand upon me but I want to, I want you even now I dreamt I was a puppet and I was fine, finding I liked to be at your mercy liked having you be mine is this bliss the absence of pain, or should i fear some greater ecstasy? I dreamt I was a falcon And in that dream, I was yours
3.
they say write drunk and edit sober but i like to light fires anytime there’s dirt underneath my fingernails and grape juice on my hands don’t come ‘round here you’ll only melt like the witch you are and my voice and face will tell you it’s over am i inconvenient? are you scared of me? am i not as calm as you want me to be? you want my feelings stacked and organized and spartan I am enough, you say as though i am too much i’m someone else’s fucking problem now, anyway am i ungrateful? am i not thankful? i’m just as thankful as i would be for a china plate served with no food on it for an arm sawn off instead of mended you are no surgeon like you claim to be my sadness isn’t gangrene, it’s human and i have every fucking right to be angry there’s a place of passage and an imaginary door Thirteen years of fucking hell, but I don't go back there anymore What happened there is my story to tell You conceded that right when you put me through all nine circles of hell
4.
Hollow Elegy 04:09
I was all alone when I heard she'd died I gave her her elegy at the graveside and buried all the hope and trust I had someday where I may find it a calmer September, another coast away Let it go, man, that thing will kill you Not even love can bring her back to life No amount of hope can make her your wife But what if there's something left of her ghost, you say I want this haunting I want this holy spirit I want this worship in a burnt out church I was in the dark when you told me you were in love with her, it hadn't let you be I could feel the desperate hope in your voice Years can't mend an ache that I'm sure even forever can't heal
5.
I didn’t want to waste a song on you But here we are regardless Give me back what you took from me And I’ll give you back your heart, oh Tell him it was me, I said without saying it Tell him he’ll be back when he wants me and he hates it Tell him he fucked with the wrong man Tell him I’m coming for his plans He’ll be back for me when it’s over It’s one o seven and I’m long gone Gone up the mount to never come home I met you when I was bitter, now I’m magic There’s nothin here to stave off the panic, so Bittersweet like the honey in your coffee Bittersweet like the tears in your tea Bittersweet like the sound of you leaving me Because you know
6.
Just In Time 04:59
Him and me in a hammock by the Susquehanna And you, forever alone I charted a course to Milwaukee And there I came into my own How far I’ve come from my place in Saratoga How far I’ve come from the places you’ve yet to hold me And further still from the places I wished you would I pushed the limits of this mind And I always seem to come home just in time Just in time I come home to him just in time His power and his beauty would rival mine If there came a time we were on opposite sides He tells me he prefers my body to hers He tells me he’ll love me first
7.
did you know did you know that I want more, I want more than to be the one to put the fun back in funeral I want be more than just something to mourn I want you to look at me and see more than who you wanted me to be but you look past me look through me and see nothing there at all it seems too much is almost enough it seems too much is almost enough it seems too much is all that's left of me it seems too much is almost enough it seems too much is almost enough and what you want is not what I'm offering did you know, did you know that I want more than what you wanted for me? I want you to see me for who I am not as a way to fill the empty space where your heart should be I want you to know I'm gone, no longer the bearer of all the normalcy you never got to have too much, too much, too much too much, too much, too much enough.
8.
Heretic Song 03:25
it’s a beautiful day when i pretend i’m going to some kind of good girl heaven but that’s for the believers and not me i shiver in my concrete drywall box in the city called sacred city of a king have i gone crazy? no, that’s just me what’s the verdict? let’s pretend i’m stable for one more second i am the heretic among the sanctified more riddled with holes than holy i walk amid you and you will never know me it’s a beautiful day when i act like who they want me to be but i’m too big for the box they want to put me in i know more than i think i know than you think i know i shiver in this concrete prison box in this city made for God city for kings to be call me crazy but this is all me
9.
If only we can outlast the plague The coming end of days In a ring around the rosy hand in hand We fall like children Fall in love, fall from grace There is no safety in the air, in this place Fall away The magician swears he’s good on his back foot The wheel of fortune swears the same But when he comes back he won’t call my name And nor would Peter at the pearly gates Grow up, blow away, forget about me And maybe then I’ll decide to stay If only we could outlast the year And then I’ll look past the fear I think I do nothing but give, but so do you We run like children From each other, through the snow And all of us have nowhere left to go But to fall away
10.
Intrepid 03:30
Don't let it get to you, you said Well, I did Take a rectangle, untangle your head Intrepid Would you bet your life on me, darling, if I did? Well, the way I spent my winter I wonder, how could we commit? When the long road noise is loud and you can't hear the song go I'm out here with no real belief and no hand for me to hold Up in the early morning for no reason again Relistening to your message and I held it in my head Through broke signal like what type of world we wanna live in? Do we curl inwards or live long together in forgiveness? You said: Do we bend our lives to it, darling? Then we did If we learn to love ourselves better, maybe We could commit?
11.

about

Hardshell as a concept has been floating around in my head in bits and pieces since shortly after recording Metacognition but before it was released. I have always wanted to record something bluesy, and after a chest cold I discovered I could essentially growl. Many of the songs took shape afterwards, even if they were written years prior. Perhaps the oldest in this set is "Heretic Song", which I wrote while I was still going to school in Idaho and was originally intended for release on Mago. Many of these songs are angry, they are brave, they are profane, and they are iconoclastic. This album deals quite frankly with topics such as abuse, neglect, loneliness, denial, relationship conflict (and resolution), self-hatred, finding oneself, "oldest daughter" syndrome, and feeling spent and empty. It uses the COVID pandemic as a setting, and visions and dreams I had to add detail. I hope you love it as much as I do.

credits

released December 7, 2023

Track #10 is a cover of "Intrepid" by Pinegrove.
The album cover photo was shot by Anthony Halliwell.
For Fen, Rin, and the Dean Babies.

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Candy For Trees Milwaukee, Wisconsin

When Ashley Halliwell heard someone say "rain is like candy for trees", their mind never let it go.

Upon moving to Alaska from Texas, they began to compose their own musical scores, which would later become the Candy for Trees catalog. In 2019, they moved their work from previous names to the CFT Bandcamp.
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